funny things i have said in email ...

these are things i have put into email . i think they are all very funny . some might not be to you , dear reader , as they have been pulled completely out of context ; however , you may still find them amusing .

• "marley & me" sounds like a perfectly vapid way to spend a Sunday .
• i am a little drunk and finishing one more glass of champagne . where is everyone ? it's a little lonely right now being the only person on facebook . off to manhunt ! LOL .  
• do you remember when we were little and I told you that my middle name was ‘piglet’ because i thought ‘clifton’ was embarrassing ?   
• i want to see that script . i want those words .  
• another mouse came to visit last night . he's a gonner tonight . that's three ... and none of them were blind .  
• ass . 
• stay thin ? don't you mean get thin ?  
• OMG . that reminds me ... there was a girl on the subway this morning . some high school chick with her friend . she was telling a story about this guy coming over and they was talking . you know, ”we was talking about shitnstuff . he was all talking about what weez gunna do and what moofy to see and shit like that . he was all ‘tight’ and I was like ‘yo, man you gots to talk right if you wanna be wif me .’”i nearly threw up .   
• ooo ms swan is asian rady who leally leally funneee . 
• i love that you can track your order (on Dominos.com) . that's really funny . what progress points do they have ? 
• here is what I think they should be : dough rolled into pizza shape ; sauce applied ; cheese and other toppings applied ; pizza in oven ; pizza still in oven ; pizza removed from oven ; pizza sliced ; pizza in box ; pizza with delivery boy ; delivery boy looking for building ; still looking for building ; am i on the right block ? ; where's the address again ? ; oh wait ... there it is ; buzzer ringing ; delivery complete . 
• i was walking down the street enjoying the tons of snow . there were cars parked and they were covered in several inches from the hood to the roof to the trunk and down the windows . on one car , someone carved a deep and meaningful statement in the window’s snow for all to share in : “ASS WHOLE” .i wanted to write on the next car “ASS HALF” and then on the next one “ASS and THREE QUARTERS” but I didn’t want other people to think i didn’t know how to spell ASSHOLE .   
• everything i do requires effort . thinking , feeling , breathing ( well , that’s actually an involuntary action , so i can’t really count that are requiring effort ) . that’s just not fair , biologically .